My Dreams

So I was asked the other night what was my dream?

I had to stop and think about it for a second. The first thing that came into mind was my career goals. I’ve wanted to be an athletic trainer since my junior year of high school, but 4 years later it doesn’t seem like I’m getting that much closer to my aspiration. It’s my fault, though. I wasn’t focused. I didn’t want it enough. I thought it would come easy to me. Well now I see I was going about it all wrong..

I want a family. I want a loving husband, 2 or 3 kids, and a dog or two… Then again, who doesn’t dream about a life like that? It’s hard finding someone to love or love you in this world. To keep it together to raise that kind of family is even harder. But I guess hard work comes along with anything worth having.

Which goes back to my first goal… If I do find that person to settle down, fall in love with, and start a family together, I want it so that my kids don’t have to want for anything… That me and my husband are both far along in our careers so that our kids won’t have to want for anything. No, I’m not going to spoil them. Being a very spoiled child myself, I’d rather not raise a kid as bad as I was lol.

And since we’re on the topic of kids, I always said that I wanted to be a better parent than either one of my parents were. My parents divorced when I was 5 or 6, but both were always present in my life. It’s not that they were horrible parents. I just wish they did some things differently.

I admitted already I was a spoiled brat (and yes, sometimes I can still act that way =/). I don’t feel like my parents disciplined me enough. I barely ever remember being grounded, never got a beating, rarely had privileges taken away from me. I wonder if all that affected how disciplined I am now when it comes to things like studying and saving my money. I know, it’s not all their fault, but maybe my behavior would have been different had they laid down the law a little bit more.

My father? He’s a bigot.. Or was a bigot? Idk.. He’s a lot easier to deal with now that he’s not in the house. I just feel like sometimes I have to act a certain way for things to be OK between us.. Maybe not bring some people over to his apartment because he doesn’t approve of their skin tone. *sigh* Old school Asians, I swear =/ I would NEVER put my kids through the pain he put me through as a kid. Yes, he gave me money (I think it was to shut me up), but I can’t count the amount of times I’ve cried because I was sent into the house for playing outside with a young Black male. I can’t imagine putting my child through that type of hurt or humiliation.

My mother? I’ll always be a mommy’s girl, but the last 4 years have been really difficult for me.
I feel like she left me at a point where I needed her most. Her time was devoted to her boyfriend. I barely saw her over the past four years, which is extremely difficult when you go from eating dinner with her almost everyday to seeing her maybe once every 10 days. Yes, I was getting older, but I still felt abandoned.

I just want to be there for my kids more than my parents were for me. I want to be the support system that I didn’t have with my parents. Sometimes I just felt like I wasn’t a priority to them at times, and I NEVER want my children to feel that way.

So maybe that is my biggest dream.. To be a great parent. The thought of having another life depending on me is scary, but when the time comes I feel like I’ve learned a lot from what my parents did and didn’t do to bring my kid up right. Maybe he won’t be as lost at this age as I am now.

I feel like I digressed a bit, but oh well. It’s my blog damn it.

♥ April Rose