Her Name Is April Rose

When I was 5, it seemed like my life goals were so clear and simple. “April is going to be a neurosurgeon. She’s going to Harvard Medical School and she’s going to be at the top of her field. She’ll be married with two kids, a boy and a girl & live in a big house right outside of the city.” Heh.. I was really advanced for my age. But as you grow up, life gets complicated. Your vision gets a bit blurry and sometimes you become.. lost.

In my head, I’ve switched my profession a million times. Shit, in the past week alone I’ve wanted to be a high school guidance counselor, athletic trainer, sports psychologist, photographer, homemaker, trophy wife… and the list goes on. I mean, I’ve found what I’m good at. I’m a Psychology major and I’ve had nothing but A’s in my Psych courses.. so why am I still unsure? Yeah I can discuss Erikson and Bronfenbrenner, but does it matter if I’m good at what I do if I’m not happy?

I find that my heart’s not in Psychology oftentimes. Sometimes I wish I stuck it out with Journalism in high school. Apparently, my teacher and my peers thought I showed promise. Other days I wish I could get over my disdain of Biology to get through Athletic Training. I always used to tell people to watch out for me on the sidelines of an NFL game.

But at 21 and with 3 years of college under my belt, I still don’t know “what I want to be when I grow up” and it’s kind of scary. Have I been wasting my time? Should I have gone down another path? Should I just stick with what I’m good at?

What’s a girl to do?

I was over on the homie Ms. Trecie‘s blog when I ran across her “Dear You” letters. I thought the concept great and something I’ve needed to do for a long time.

There are so many things that I wish I could say to quite a few people, but I won’t. It’s not because I’m afraid to, but more so because I don’t want to really waste the energy. A lot of people don’t like to hear about themselves in a negative light (sometimes myself included), so once told about themselves and their actions, they become quite defensive. Though I might not want to argue, I still feel the need to vent a bit, so I decided to use my blog to write a few words that’s I’ve always been meaning to say to some people in my past and present..

#1 – As much as I care about you, I question you and your motives a lot. You’re one of the most selfish people I’ve ever encountered. I find that I’ve been trying to distance myself you lately. It hurts my heart honestly, but I think that’s the way it needs to be. It’s sad that I even feel the need to question our friendship. But relationships, both romantic and platonic, won’t work if there’s no reciprocation. I give, you take. And that’s the way it is most of the time and not just with me oddly enough. Well guess what.. it’s not going to be that way anymore.

#2 – Whenever your name comes up, I shake my damn head. When I come across all the wack ass biddies that for one reason or another flock to you, I start laughing my ass off. The time I spent on our friendship was a waste. No scratch that. I learned a lot from you honestly. You taught me what it truly means to be a lame individual. You taught me to appreciate the REAL people in my life because Lord knows you weren’t one of them. You taught me that sometimes I need to stop trying to find the good in people when it evidently isn’t there. So thank you for being the ugly person that you are.

#3 – Do you know how much I care about you? Do you fully understand how much your actions, or lack thereof rather, have hurt me? The friendship we’ve had for these 6 or 7 years means so much to me. But you? You tossed our friendship to the side like it was nothing. I don’t even know what to think about you anymore. I’m at the point where I’m almost disgusted by you, and yet, I’m still almost in tears over you. Has this all just been a facade?

#4 – I haven’t been able to look at you the same way since you damn near bit my nose/lip off that day. Cool ass individual, but what a waste..

#5 – Maybe it’s because I’m from the outside looking in, but I feel that you deserve better. Sometimes it seems like you settle for less because you’re still as insecure as you were when we were younger. You’re beautiful, intelligent, down to earth, and anyone would be lucky to have you. You run back to what’s familiar even when you know you were wronged. I don’t understand it, but I’ll support you regardless. I just wish you loved yourself as much as you love the people around you.

#6 – I love you & appreciate you. You are the only one who truly has been there for me through thick and thin. Words can’t fully express how much you mean to me. You are my rock, my everything. Thank you for all that you’ve done for me.

See.. not all of them were that bad lol.

It felt great to get that off my chest. I’m a pretty passive person, so I can appreciate being able to vent while not quite being confrontational. I need to do this more often.

… like a mutha fuckin’ Sigma.

I never knew Lil Wayne actually put that line in a song until this past Saturday at Crabfest. For those who don’t know, Crabfest is one of the biggest cookouts in Jersey thrown every year by the Xi Theta Chapter of Phi Beta Sigma Fraternity. This was my first year attending and I definitely enjoyed myself. I refused to stand in that LONG ass line for food, though lol (but I heard the food was good!)

It was great seeing all those people there that I haven’t seen in ages since I transferred out. It would’ve been nicer minus all the sweaty hugs from people who spent their first few hours there strolling lol. I didn’t bring out my camera *gasp*, but I did manage to catch a video on my iPhone. One of my girls said it best when she referred to us as being in the eye of the storm.. literally.

By the time this was going on, I was standing under an umbrella with 3 of my girls in the center of a group of Blue & White. It had started to rain a bit, but that definitely didn’t slow anyone’s strolling down.

We left later that night for NB (with minor pit stops in East Orange & Piscataway) to stop Rockoff. Apparently there was a party going on upstairs. After drinking the rest of the blu juice in my friend’s spot, messing with drunk people while they slept & walking into the sauna that was my boys’ apartment, we decided it was best if we chilled in the hallway where I caught up with some of my fave people.

All in all, I’d say it was a good day.

What’s your addiction? Is it money? Is it girls? Is it… oral sex?

A friend hit me up with a question the other night about what he thought might be a problem. He confessed to me that when he finds himself attracted to a female, he can’t but help think of what it would be like to perform oral sex on her. He finds himself wondering about her taste and having her climax in his mouth. He went on to say that sometimes he’s fine with just eating her out and not actually having to penetrate. Now, he wasn’t sure if this was borderline addiction and if his thoughts were a bit overboard.

I personally think there’s nothing wrong that. First of all, he doesn’t whore around with it. It’s not like he’s out performing oral on every female he encounters. And fantasizing about sex is perfectly healthy. Everyone does it. You’ve only got a problem when those fantasies consume your every thought and start interfering with your everyday life.

Besides, a lot of people enjoy giving oral sex. Some find pleasure in pleasing someone else. Actually, I think that’s what makes the best sex in general, being in it to please the other person. Sex is about creating a mutual erotic pleasure between you and your partner. There’s no need to be selfish and just think about getting a nut for yourself. It’s about the connection that you create in the midst of the passion.

Now.. if you’re dealing with a jump, well by all means.. beat and be out.

I’ve wanted my lip pierced since sophomore year of high school. I finally got the nerve to do it yesterday.

I hit up Inksanity in Somerset, NJ to get it done. It’s the same place I got my first tattoo (and where I’ll be getting my next 2… or 5 tats) at. Clean and laid back environment.. The artists/piercers there are real cool, too. And real random, but I feel like they always have the BEST music playing when I go in there (Shyne’s Bad Boys was playing as soon as I walked in.. yesss lol).

The barbell is dumb long, just in case it started swelling. And I didn’t want it to start healing over the ball either (eww.) The stud is cool, but I’d rather have a ring in. I’m just not sure what kind of lip ring to get. I’m really not a huge fan of the ball closure ring, so I’m leaning towards a segment ring. I read they were extremely hard to close, though and knowing my ass, I’d probably tear something tryna close it.

Eh.. We’ll see. I still have about 2 weeks before I go back to have it changed.