I can’t wait to have a family of my own. Well, I can.. You know I’d like to have a husband & career first.. but I like thinking about it. 3 kids (more or less).. 2 boys & a girl.. Don’t care about the particular order. I want my first son to be a junior & I want my daughter’s middle name to be Elise (after my grandma, Elsie). At least one of the kids is going to be an athlete and my husband & I will do everything possible to make sure these kids excel in school.
Now my husband.. (maybe I should have spoken about him before the kids..) Ideally, he’ll be loving, considerate, loyal, compassionate.. A family man.. I want to be married to a devoted husband & father. And I’m letting him know from the get go, there’s no divorcing here. When I finally say my “I Do’s”, it’s forever. Let me explain..
Well it starts with my family situation… I don’t know how to describe it sometimes. I’m one of two children, the baby girl to be specific. I have a brother who’s seven years my elder. He’s not all there at times. I love him, though. My parents divorced when I was 5 or 6 years old, but we all resided under the same roof until I was 19. Interesting times. I’m not as close to my parents as I could be, each for totally different reasons.
My father.. I see pictures of me smiling with my father from when I was younger. We’ll be standing outside in the front yard. He’s holding me up while I’m trying to climb a tree. I looked so at peace with him.
I don’t know exactly when that peace turned to war.. when joy turned into resentment. Maybe it was because he was a bigot. I remember days when I’d be infuriated when he tossed the N-word around so freely. I remember the arguments he and my mother would get into.. not particularly the subject matter [they always argued in Burmese], but rather the emotions behind it. Seeing my mother in tears wasn’t the most comforting sight. I remember being 17 and having my boyfriend pick me up from work… and then having my father come into the store saying he’d kill the both of us smh.
I remember all the bad times, but I can’t for the life of me remember the good. You know I can’t even recall the last time I told him I loved him? It hurts. I’m 21 now and I want to be able to talk to my father, but I don’t know where to start. He’s trying to be a good dad, which means a lot considering all the dead beats out there. That makes this even harder for me.. and I know I’m not making it easy for him at all.
My mother.. I was such a mommy’s girl. Her little princess. But soon enough [around the time I was 8], mommy became too busy for me. She worked a 9-5 and started dating guys that I never particularly liked. That consumed most of her time. I felt neglected. I dealt with it, though.
When I turned 16, she started dating her current boyfriend. I hated him and looking back on it, I don’t think it was [entirely] his fault. She was always putting him before me. I remember the time they left me crying & stranded with my best friend in front of a Friday’s restaurant [and it was one of the few times I didn't do anything to spark the argument]. I didn’t speak to her for a week. She never apologized.. just bought me something to make up for the situation.
She went and stayed with him at his apartment, leaving me with a father who I, as I stated previously, didn’t get along with. There would be times when I’d go over a week without seeing her which was horrible for me. I was at a key stage in my life and my mother was no where to be found.
He lives with us now.. She’s trying. I’ll give that to her. We talk more, but I’m used to not having her around. Now when I have a problem, I don’t go to her. I go to my room and think it over myself. That’s what you learn to do when you never had someone to turn to.
And the both of them?.. They bought my affection. It felt like a competition between them most of the time. I wasn’t mad at it. I was getting gifts & money. Who can be mad at that? But now.. eh.. I blame them for my spoiled, selfish ways [partially at least..] Sometimes I just wish they’d talk to me rather than buy me something to shut me up.
Now that I think about it, I never really had any serious talks with my parents. I learned about sex from watching Jerry Springer [not the best place to get your info..] As long as I kept my grades up, they didn’t care what I did. Well, they cared… but they paid more attention to what I said I was doing rather than what I was actually up to [trouble.]
In the end, they raised a good kid, but.. I think their divorce affected me more than I ever really wanted to admit. I think sometimes if they would’ve stayed together that I would’ve had a better relationship with the both of them. That’s selfish of me, though. I know why they divorced and I don’t think they need to be together. I feel like I just would’ve dealt with it better if they went about their problems in a different way.
Maybe that’s why I focus on my future family so much. I don’t want to go through a bitter divorce, not just for my sake, but my kids’ as well. It’s hard being a child of divorced parents, feeling like you’re stuck in the middle of something you never asked to be in. So to my future husband and father of my children, whoever you are, just know I’m expecting you to be in this for the long run.