…and she lived happily ever after.

I used to wish my life was like a fairy tale. I’d be the damsel in distress and my knight in shining armor would come rescue me. We’d ride off into the sunset without a care in the world. Ha.. and then I hit puberty and realized life isn’t that easy.

The truth is I’ve been fighting with myself over a lot of things lately.. An internal struggle for the better part of 2 months.. Trying to make decisions I really don’t want to. My heart is torn, my mind is jumbled, and I feel.. lost. No knight to come rescue me. I’ve got to deal with these issues on my own.

What would my English professor call this? Man vs. self? Yeah, that sounds about right. My life isn’t a fairy tale, but it is indeed an open book for all of you read. I’m the main character, the protagonist, stuck in a conflict between my beliefs and the temptations around me.. Figuring out whether to make the safe choice or follow my heart.. Wondering if I’m going to demand the best from myself or settle for less than what I deserve.

Heh.. settle for less than what I deserve. I’ve done that way too many times in my life. Settled for the cheater, the liar.. Settled for my 2nd choice in schools.. Settled for the gifts my parents would give me instead of talking about our problems.. Settled for a lot of bullshit I just shouldn’t have put up with.

Maybe it was because I wasn’t happy with myself.. Or it could have been the fact that settling for less is so much more easier than fighting for what I really wanted.. Not that I’m really even sure what I want now..

Either way, I have to face it. Ever since I was younger, I’ve always taken the easy route. I remember my 6th grade teacher, Ms. McCarthy, telling me that I always gave 75% of myself. I had all the potential in the world and I could do so much more if I just gave that full 100%. I didn’t pay it any mind, though. I was making straight A’s. What else did she want from me?

Looking back on it, she was right. I never really put my all into something before. I never went after what I knew I deserved. There’s been so many let downs, set backs, and missed opportunities because I lost the battle with myself.

That needs to change. I need to stop sticking with the safe decision. I should start following my heart, my passion.. and see where that leads me.

That’s easier said than done, though.. Hence the conflict. Thankfully, the “minor characters” in this tale have been helping me find my way. For once, I’m going to go after what I love.. I’m going to listen to Ms. McCarthy’s advice from 9 years ago and finally give something my all.

I’ve faced so many hardships.. more than most know. I’ve gone to war with myself and almost self-destructed plenty of times. I wouldn’t have it any other way, though. Remember, I’m the protagonist and we’re always dynamic characters. Throughout the story, I’m changing. These struggles.. they help me grow. They help me learn. They help me to make better decisions for my future. I appreciate all of the conflicts that I face. They are going to be the reason why my story, regardless of the fact that it hasn’t been a fairy tale, is still going to end with a happily ever after.