Note: I debated on whether or not I really wanted to post this. It’s not something that I’m particularly comfortable talking about, but after speaking with Artieka I realized it’s something that I needed to share in order to really cope with some things.
The mind is a very complex and intriguing thing. When I was a kid, I was obsessed with the mind and the way it worked. I always wondered what people were thinking and why they did the things they did. Always reading about this personality disorder or that dysfunction. I guess that’s why I became a Psychology major. Majoring in Psychology is hard at times, though. It’s not the work that’s difficult. It’s the fact that it requires you to look at yourself in a different light at times.
Lately I’ve been spending a lot of time by myself just.. thinking.. Reflecting on my past and trying to figure out what was going through my head when I did half of the dumb things I’ve done, especially during my teenage years. I’m pretty sure it was a combination of immaturity, lack of direction and a lot of pain.. Things in my past I never cared to share that really had an effect on my development.. But here I am writing, finally wanting to open up. I guess after so many years I just needed some closure.
And there I was listening to my iPod. It was on shuffle as usual and then Lupe came on. “She said there was no love in her heart ’cause one day a rapist attacked her and broke that all apart.. She said there was no way to fix it or to cover her scars..“ I’ve probably heard that track a million and three times, but it never hit me like it did at that moment. December 4th, 2001 is clear as day in my head. I was 13 and got raped. Not many people know about that, not even my family or closest friends at the time.. or today for that matter (well, until now I guess).
I felt dirty and disgusted with myself and blamed myself everyday after it happened. I didn’t report anything. I didn’t confide in anyone. No counseling for me. Quite frankly, I just wanted to forget all about it.. But I couldn’t and I’ve realized that I never will.
And this is when the psychologist in me comes out. What effects can rape have on a victim? Can rape possibly lead to promiscuity? I’m not an expert by any means, but I kind of think it did in my case.
During those years afterwards, I made a lot of reckless decisions. The rape lowered my self-worth considerably. Since I didn’t care about myself, I didn’t wait to have sex with people I did care for. I was the one choosing who I had sex with now, not the other way around. I guess it was my way of compensating.. Like somehow I believed doing that would help me take back what was taken from me. I was wrong. Those decisions just led to other problems and put me into a deeper depression.
And when I did find someone I cared about? I always rushed into things because I needed to feel that love that I wasn’t giving myself. Somewhere down the line, he would cheat. It always happened, but I stayed because somehow in my head I believed it was my fault. My self-esteem was that low that I put up with the deceit and the abuse.
All of this started in 2001. It’s 2010 now. I’m turning 22 on Saturday and I’m happy to say those ways are long gone. I’m finally in a good place. I stopped putting the blame on myself for getting raped and understood that it was his fault and not mine.
As far as relationships go now, I’m not rushing into anything. I mean there’s someone special and I really do care about him, but I have to be fully in love with myself before I can really fall for him. I’m getting there. He’s definitely been helping me with that as well. I must say.. It feels pretty great.
Oh, and the rest of that Lupe verse?
…then one day a guy came along that probably could help her start. He was sincere, made her believe it was safe for her to trust again. Before long she was cool to giving hugs to him. Knew that it was right ’cause something was wrong. The alarms in her mind didn’t tell her he didn’t belong. There was no.. intruder alert.
Pretty fitting, don’t you think?
I just want to say I think you are very brave to have shared your story like this. On the internet where any and everyone can see it. I think we all have personal demons that we battle, but others (myself included) choose to suffer the pain alone, out of fear of being judged or just not knowing at all how others will react. I applaud and appreciate your display of courageousness and maybe in due time you will inspire someone like myself to admit to things that haunt me from my past, so they may no longer disrupt my present and future….
Stay Blessed,
J. Young
You know we really haven’t known each other long, but over time, you’ve become one of the few people I can truly call friend and easily my closest confidant. I had an idea that something like this had happened to you though I had hoped my feeling was wrong.
It takes a truly brave person to reveal something like this to the world, but by doing so, you add another piece to your puzzle as you grow and put yourself and your life together. You’ve no idea how proud I am of you, but you will one day. Now you can let go and live life even more to the fullest. Love ya bunches, Skip.
Saw the title of the post and was HOPING it wasn’t about this, (Huge Lupe Fan). This is unfortunate, but I’m glad you’ve learned from everything you’ve been through.
I was watching Judge Judy today and the Plaintiff was suing the mother for a vehicle the mother purchased for her. The boyfriend of the girl, whom was also using the car, was to make payments on the car as long as he lived in the house with them, however once they moved out the car was no longer theirs to use. Everyone made payments on time, and so Judge asked why they left. The girl lied and said they wanted to have their own space, but the mother revealed the truth and said that the boyfriend was abusive and provided photos as proof. The boyfriend then stated that he had four different disorders, ranging from Schizophrenia to Bipolar! I guess he was looking to justify his actions.
My friend brought to light that psychological effects are primarily to blame for such behavior, I just shake my head: I see/hear about a lot of females in unhealthy relationships that either have been raped, beaten, lied to, cheated on or just treated poorly. To quote Ne-Yo, “Why [do they] stay?”. Surely for a myriad of reasons.