#18 Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?
The other day I told my father “I love you, too” for the first time in 15 years. I’m 22, so for the majority of my childhood, and my life for that matter, those words haven’t crossed my lips in regards to him.
I was a very bright child and I realized quickly that my father was a bigot. Even as a little kid, I knew that was wrong and that couldn’t be the way I grew up, so I distanced myself from him. I wouldn’t talk to him unless I absolutely had to and it was easy to not see him. He was home while I was in school and worked late into the night. I’d lock myself in my room by the time he got home.
For a long time I held on to this resentment towards my father. I always imagined him being the overbearing, racist parent that sent me in the house whenever I wanted to play with my Black neighbors. What I failed to realize about my father over the years, however, is that he changed. Maybe it was the terrible treatment I gave him growing up. Or it could be that he finally realized he wasn’t in Burma anymore and would have to deal with people of all origins. Either way, he wasn’t the same person I knew when I was 7.
When my mother began to flake out on me and even moved out on me, my father was there to try and play that parent role even though I didn’t want him to. He made the meals, took me where I needed to go, gave me money when I needed it.. I didn’t say “thank you” once. He tried to give me the discipline I needed growing up, but it was a little late for that. I damn sure wasn’t going to listen to him.
The keyword in all of this is that he tried. He tried to be a better father and a better person. Looking back on it, I was the one who didn’t try enough. I was so full of animosity towards him that I didn’t realize all that he did do for me. I didn’t appreciate shit and I wasn’t giving him the credit he deserved for changing.
I’m finally at that point in my life where I’ve grown to learn that I need to let go of the ill will I have towards him. I need to let him know that I don’t hate him. I might have acted like it, and at times he definitely deserved it, but I don’t hate my father. I’m just hoping that someday I can get to the point where it doesn’t feel awkward to tell him “I love you.”
One day.. In the meantime, Happy [early] Father’s Day, Dad.