Plan B

As a Psychology major, I always find myself exploring the theories of the pioneers in my field. I’ve always been intrigued by Sigmund Freud’s work on the unconscious mind, defense mechanisms, and of course, sexual desire being the main motivator in all human actions. So I was a bit excited to discuss those theories today in my Theories of Personality class.

Dr. M is sitting on the desk, sipping her coffee, and going over one of Freud’s cases. She poses the question, “Well, what would Freud say her problem was?” We all kind of sit there in silence for a moment and finally, one girl raises her hand as says, “Well maybe she took her father’s death so hard because he was the only man in her life. She didn’t know another love. I guess you can say she might have been attracted to him.. Wait, no.” Dr. M straightens her posture a bit and replies, “Why not? Freud always brought everything back to sexual aggression and desire. He would definitely believe that girls are attracted to their fathers.”

It was one of those moments.. One of those times when someone just says that phrase that makes it all click in your head. I’m attracted to my father. No, it’s not as twisted as I just worded it. Don’t worry. I won’t be appearing on an episode of Jerry Springer anytime soon. It was just at that moment I realized that every man I’ve been serious with in my life is just like my father.

You know how they say every girl wants a man like her daddy? I was never one of those girls. I didn’t think I was at least. I couldn’t stand my father growing up, and quite frankly, I’m still not too fond of him today. He was charming. A writer.. he used his words to pull women in. He was also a manipulator, a liar, and never had his priorities together. Everything had to be on my father’s time, his way. He was one of those types that accused people of wrongdoings because he felt guilty of committing them. I guess he was projecting all of his deplorable characteristics onto others. Who would want a man like that right? Apparently me.

Thinking back on all the guys I’ve dated, I noticed a trend. I meet A and he’s as sweet as ever. Takes me out on dates, buys me little gifts just because, acts like such a gentleman and everything is good.. Until B comes around. B’s the charmer.. the one who is just so intriguing and complicated.. almost untouchable. It makes me yearn for him. And he’s so good at what he does, I don’t even realize that I’m the one doing the chasing. I slowly begin to forget about A once B shows a solid interest in me. I mean, I know A is probably what I need, but B.. B is what I want and you never know. He might turn out to be what I need, too.

I end up falling for B.. hard. He shows at times that the feelings are mutual.. But B usually leads to disappointment in the end. B lies, cheats, and manipulates situations. Don’t get me wrong, B has some great qualities about him, which is what initially led to my attraction to him in the first place. It’s just that B doesn’t want to let those good qualities shine through. He’s stuck in his ways and who am I to try and change that. B’s a grown man and will only change when he wants.

B.. is just like my father.

I remember wiping away the tears he caused my mother. I remember all the arguments that ensued because of his actions. I remember saying that I will never be with a man like him who could do the things he did to my mother to cause her so much pain. But here I am, sitting here with the same heartache because I continuously fall for a man like my father.

I don’t mean to make him sound horrible. I really don’t. My father, like B, has his good qualities, but 60+ years later, I don’t think he’s had that moment that made him realize that he needs to change his ways. Maybe it’s this desire in me that loves my father enough to want him to change, to be the man he was always supposed to be to my mother and his children.. Maybe that’s what keeps me attracted to B. I see the good and I’m hoping somewhere down the line I cause that moment in B’s life that makes him change for the better.

But like I said, grown men will only change when they want to. I just wish I didn’t have to get hurt in the process. Maybe I need to start sticking with Plan A.